Treated But Not Heard

The Real Cost of the Wrong Doctor

“Well, I’m not trying to kill you!” my doctor snapped.

That was her actual response to a simple question about how we might reduce the side effects of chemotherapy. I just wanted to know: Do these symptoms ever go away?

I sat there, stunned.

All I could think was, “Who says that to a cancer patient?”

That moment opened my eyes to something I wish I’d known much earlier: Being treated doesn’t always mean being treated well.

It’s not just about clinical skill—it’s about human connection. It’s about being seen, heard, and treated as a person, not just a diagnosis. When you’re fragile and scared, compassion isn’t optional. It’s essential.

Why the Right Doctor and Team Matter

Cancer is more than a diagnosis. It hijacks your life, your plans, and your sense of safety. When that happens, you need more than a treatment protocol—you need a team that respects you, listens to you, and walks beside you.

The wrong doctor makes everything feel heavier. The right one can lighten your load as you walk through the cancer journey.

A Tale of Two Cancers—and Two Very Different Doctors

When I was diagnosed with endometrial cancer, my doctor and her team were everything I needed. They were calm, kind, patient, and compassionate. I never felt like a burden. They took time to answer my questions and reassure both me and my family. I had a hysterectomy and was home within 24 hours. No radiation. No chemo. Recovery was smooth, and I returned to work quickly.

One year later, I was diagnosed with breast cancer—and had the exact opposite experience.

Talking to that oncologist was never comforting. She barely acknowledged that my side effects—neuropathy from Taxol—were more than unpleasant. They were life-altering. I struggled to walk. I couldn’t feel my fingertips or the bottoms of my feet—essential for a veterinarian who performs surgery. Forty-two months later, I still wear “barefoot” shoes to help prevent falls. I still can’t feel my fingertips.

What upset me most?

A pharmacist—not my doctor—told me that frozen socks and gloves could have prevented or at least lessened the nerve damage. No one on my care team mentioned that in advance.

I couldn’t understand how they prioritized preventing hair loss (which is temporary) by offering cold caps, but failed to mention how to protect my hands and feet—something I still live with every day.

I was angry at my doctor. I was angry at myself. But when you’re in the middle of cancer, you’re not thinking clearly. You’re just trying to survive.

Eventually, I stopped the Taxol after nine doses because the side effects became unbearable.

Then came the doxorubicin. I was told mouth ulcers might occur and could be treated with a rinse. After the first dose, I got the ulcers and then the rinse. But what shocked me was what came next:

At my second infusion, a nurse handed me a cup of ice. “Put this in your mouth during the infusion,” he said. “It helps prevent mouth ulcers.”

It worked.

At my third infusion, I asked, “Where’s my ice?” The nurse seemed surprised. “Oh, you want the ice?” Yes—yes, I did.

Why didn’t every nurse follow the same protocol?

How was it possible that something so simple—and effective—wasn’t universally applied?

Whether it was a lapse in communication or a lack of standardized care, it made me feel like my well-being depended on luck. And that’s not okay. The good news is…you can be your own advocate in finding the right team for your situation.

Red Flags to Watch For

Here are some signs your doctor or team may not be the right fit:

• Dismissive or sarcastic communication

• Rushing through appointments

• Ignoring your questions or providing vague answers

• Poor coordination or follow-up

• Disorganized or unkind office staff

• Support staff not aligned in their care or protocols

These aren’t things you have to tolerate—not even during cancer treatment.

What the Right Doctor Looks Like

You deserve a doctor who:

• Explains things in a way you can understand

• Answers your questions with empathy and patience

• Makes space for vulnerability

• Encourages collaboration and second opinions

• Has experience treating your specific cancer

It’s not asking too much to want both skill and kindness.

I encourage you to visit at least three facilities and interview their doctor(s) to get a sense of what your options are. If you end up picking the first one, great. But this way you’ll know that you made a smart decision.

You can also hire a cancer consultant who can point you in the direction of the best resources in your area. The key here is to clearly explain what you’re looking for so this person can help you find it.

Note: In some cases, it might be very worth it to travel to another region for better quality of care. In hindsight, I wish I’d done that.

Building a Supportive Team

Your oncologist is just one part of the equation. The support of nurses, therapists, nutritionists, social workers—even the receptionist—can shape your experience. One caring team member can make all the difference.

If you haven’t found that person yet, don’t give up. You deserve a care circle that holds you up. When you do find a nurse or therapist you like, ask to be scheduled exclusively with them moving forward. If there’s ever a time to put yourself first, it’s when you have cancer.

What If You Need to Make a Change?

If something feels off, it probably is.

Here’s what you can do:

• Keep notes of troubling interactions

• Ask for a second opinion (this is your right)

• Consult trusted friends, doctors, or advocacy organizations

• Bring someone with you to help advocate

• Schedule a formal meeting with your doctor to express concerns

• If needed, transfer your care—your life and dignity come first

Switching doctors sounds scary. I know. But staying with the wrong one can be much worse. Your records can be transferred and the next doctor can pick up where the first left off.

If you’re weak, overwhelmed, or unsure, have a loved one speak on your behalf. Don’t make the mistake I did, pressing on with a doctor or facility that didn’t support me—either medically or emotionally.

You Deserve Better

Cancer is hard enough. You shouldn’t have to fight to be heard on top of fighting for your life.

I want you to know this:

You deserve to be treated well—not just treated. And if you aren’t being treated with care, compassion, and respect, you are allowed to ask for more. You owe it to yourself to find someone better.

I wish I would have realized that four years ago.

If I had, I might still be able to feel my fingertips...